Feather Flight: "And My Spirits Lift with Gentle
Laughter " (part 6)
An AU Kuja fic, shonen-ai, language, angst, kissing
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Letters were spread out on his desk like scattered corpses while Laro sat silently on his bed trying to find some semblance of his usual peace. Staring at his nervously clenched hands, he took a shaking breath and forced the muscles to relax. For an insane moment he was tempted to burn the offensive papers and forget them. The thought was a powerless one. With his decision already made, he stood and opened a long forgotten closet, pulling out a shrouded object. Peeling back the dusty wrappings, he stared at the pole-arm, eyes tracing the well-remembered form before scooping it up to test its weight. Holding the solid shaft was no problem, but a year of inactivity had left the movements shaky, unacceptable.
// I don't want to go back there...//
He gave the long spear a practiced twist, rolling it over his forearm and jabbing it upwards.
// Haven't I done enough...? //
The single candle cast crazy, flickering shadows as his exercises stirred the night-air.
// This will end badly... I know it. //
Laro sighed, feeling his still weak muscles complain. He propped the weapon at the end of his bed, and extinguishing the candle; vainly preparing himself for sleep.
// I have work to do... //
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Kuja stared blankly out his window at the brilliant afternoon. The day was perfect, but he had no desire to go out. Tucking his chin more firmly against his knees, he sat quietly in his room trying to formulate a plan. The voices in the study below had long since faded -the guests gone at last- but rather than bringing an end to the previous day's unsettling encounter, it left him with an empty feeling. The military men had gone, but had announced their intention to return. In one month they would come back, and everything would end. The cat-man hissed softly to himself. They would be back in a month, and Laro had agreed to it, he would be going with them.
// He's... he's leaving. //
// He's leaving me. //
The silver-haired man sighed, looking away from the window to glance around his room. Every his eyes fell he could not help but notice all the random 'things' he had accrued in his brief time there. Trinkets and tokens were displayed carefully on the shelves, many originating as gifts from the eternally cheerful dark man. He studied his collection of shells thoughtfully, admiring their delicate colors.
// But he wasn't happy last night... he was miserable... and he's leaving... // Kuja frowned. // Why does he go if he doesn't want to... he should stay /here/... he was /sick/. It's too soon! //
// He's healed now, so there's no reason to stay... // The thought came unbidden, unpleasant. He shook his head in denial.
// But I don't /want/ him to go! //
// He's needed... // There was no reasoning with his logical side, its arguments were implacable.
// /I/ need him too... What if he dies?! //
He stopped cold.
// It's a war after all... people die all the time in wars... you /know/ that... He /could/ die... // Kuja clenched the bedding in sudden dread. // But he's going... he's going to leave you in a month... thirty days, starting today... So what will you do...? //
// What will you do...? //
The cat-man forced his emotions away, and began to plan in earnest.
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By some unspoken agreement, Laro never spoke again of his upcoming departure. In his own mind he was almost relieved; it had been painful enough the first time. It had taken two days for him to finally gather the nerve to break the news to his closest friend. The whole affair was remarkably anticlimactic when he looked back on it. The cat-man, had already known everything.
// Although he refuses to admit /how/ he knew... I wonder if he was listening at the door... I should talk to him about that... //
The scolding humor of the thought faded quickly, he wasn't in the mood.
// ...He took it so calmly... so quietly... like he was alright with it... but then, since then he's just been /quiet/... it's as if in not discussing /this/... we can think of nothing else to say... He's angry with me, he must be. Hell, /I'm/ angry with me... but what can I do...? //
The soldier hated the way his thoughts wandered as he trained. When he was working with his weapons at least, he could force himself to focus, monitoring his motions for flaws or weakness, but when he was simply working his muscles, his mind drifted to other things while his body grew strong. More often then not, thoughts of the silver-haired youth filled his head, bringing him a guilty sort of worry.
// Not to mention the new training schedule rather restricts my free time... so it seems I barely see him... // A flash of white and gray caught his eye as he lifted the bucket full of rocks again, something that could have been a hand on the window frame across from him. The hinted movement almost caused him to smile.
// Then again, he never seems to be far either... is he watching me?... But from where... // He scanned the other windows and the nearby doorway surreptitiously, but could sense nothing. There were only shadows. // He is better at hiding than anyone I've ever met... myself included... still I wish he'd come out and /talk/ to me... or at least be visible... it's a little unnerving to be watched like this. Where /are/ you Masa... //
He let out a sigh, and set the weights down, flexing his arm to check for soreness and finding none. It had been painful at first to recondition the weak muscles, his body aching with fatigue every night as he crawled into bed. A less masochistic man wouldn't have declared it possible to become battle ready in a month, Laro smirked at the thought. A less masochistic man would've told the army to take a leap off the pier and take his re-enlistment papers with them. Still, he had only a week left in the idyllic town, and was nervous that he would leave with things still unresolved between himself and the strange man who seemed to have taken entire possession of his heart. Maybe silence was the cat-man's way of saying 'goodbye' but the soldier refused to accept the idea that he could walk away without saying /something/, to somehow let the still fragile waif from feeling completely abandoned.
// You could take him /with/ you... you know... there's nothing stopping you. //
He grimaced. //Except your morals, your ethics, your honor, your training, and basic human decency... //
He would not bring Masa any closer to the war than the man already was, it was simply too dangerous, an unacceptable risk.
// And even taking him as far as the capital... /no/... the intrigues, the gossips... they'd think him a monster, or a spy, or an animal or /worse/... no... he's accepted /here/... he's safe /here/... He's just going to have to accept that... //
// I'm just going to have to accept that. // With a sigh, he went in to clean up, then find the ghostly youth.
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"Can I come in...?"
"If you like." Kuja forced his heartbeat to remain calm, subconsciously monitoring the tension in the air. The dark man slid quietly into the darkened room, pausing a hesitant moment before taking his customary seat at the end of the bed.
"Hey..."
The silver-haired man 'humphed' slightly at Laro’s gentle greeting; watching his companion for a moment before returning to his study of the moon.
"Great night, hmmm?"
"The Net is rather bright."
"... Yes, I suppose it is..."
Kuja could feel the soldier squirm, but was unwilling to make it any easier on the man. His plans all depended on /this/. There wouldn't be time for another try. It would have to be tonight. For all his determination he found he could only wait, praying that for once the dark man would bring up the forbidden topic. This was not an argument he was prepared to start.
// Funny... I used to adore plays... acting... but now... I've never needed to pretend quite so badly as I do now... all my life I've wanted to pretend and have been forced to be what I am... and the one time I want to just /be/... here I am... pretending... what does he see I wonder... the facade...? Or can he look deeper... can he know what a fake I am... // He glanced over at the soldier, his face an indifferent mask.
// Can he see how scared I am...? //
"Masa... I... I don't want to leave and have you still angry with me..." The sudden confession forced the cat-man out of his indifferent pose, staring at his friend in confusion.
"...Angry...?"
"You've practically ignored me for /weeks/, Masa... I'm not blind you know."
"How have I ignored you..."
"We don't talk!"
"How am I to blame if you don't want to talk to me..."
"You /know/ I do..."
"I know nothing... I thought I knew... but now all you're interested in is your stupid war... and you're leaving me." He hadn't intended to say it that way, but he couldn't completely erase the hurt from his voice.
"I... I have to do this thing... I guess they need me... They're making a mistake, of course..."
"Of course..."
"... but they need me... I... don't expect you to understand. This must all seem rather strange to you... our war, all of this..." Laro sighed, resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm sorry, Masa."
// Now...? It had better be now... //
It was alarmingly easy to allow his eyes to become watery, tears threatening to spill over as he looked over to his miserable companion. For a satisfying instant he noticed the soldier's reaction, the flash of alarm on his expressive face. Still, there was no time to feel sorry for the man. Kuja was playing the game to win. He sniffed pathetically. "Don't go Laro..."
"Masa?"
"Please...? I don't want you to go!"
"Masa, don't do this..." Unable to resist the silvery man's tears, Laro moved to wrap him in a tight hug, tucking the fine strands of hair and feathers beneath his chin. "Shhhh, don't cry kitten... please don't... I have to go... You know I have to go..."
"Then take me with you!" The dark man said nothing, simply holding him tighter, shaking his head in negation. "Laro!"
"No."
"Don't leave me here!"
"I /can't/."
"When you go there'll be /no one/."
"Ing will look after you while I'm away."
"I don't /trust/ Ing. He only likes me because you do."
"Now I know that's not true." Laro shook him gently his tone scolding. The cat-man pulled away enough to glare at him.
"Do you? Are you sure?"
"You're being paranoid."
"I have every right to be. As you say, I'm a stranger in this place."
"You trust me..."
"You're different."
The soldier heaved a sigh as he tried to retrace the illogical conversation. His emotions were rapidly becoming a painful tangle, watching the still tearful blue eyes as the pale man stared at him was not helping. Moving slowly so as to not startle the cat-man, he caught the slim face, wiping away the shiny drops.
"Take me with you..."
"It's too dangerous."
"I don't care about the danger..."
"/I/ do! I don't want you getting hurt!"
"Take me with you."
"Masa!"
"/Please/ Laro! If you won't let me go to the front, at least let me go as far as I can! I'll do whatever you want! I'll come back here /later/... just /please/..."
"This is not open to discussion!" Still, the dark man would not let go completely, hands relinquishing the delicate face to slide to his shoulders and down his arms, gripping them tightly.
"As far as the capital then... at least let me go to the capital!"
"Why? what does it matter? I'll only be there long enough to get my orders and the reinforcements!"
"It /matters/, you great idiot! /You'll/ be there... and besides..."
The soldier raised an eyebrow curiously at the hesitant addendum. Kuja's features, hidden in the shadows of his wild hair, were a mystery. " ... besides...?"
The cat-man sniffed again, dispelling the last of his tears. "If you don't take me... I'll likely never get another chance... you'll go off and /die/ and I'll be trapped in this sea-side /prison/ /forever/! Or until the war gets here... or the doctor decides to dissect me... and I /must/ go to the city!"
"Why...?" Thrown by the change of tack, Laro couldn't follow at all.
"It's the capitol /right/...?"
"...yes..."
"So it must have a lot of your country's culture... and schools... and libraries..."
"... yes..."
"I need to go to a library, Laro... a /real/ one... I have so many questions... about this place... about how I came to be here... I'll never get my answers by staying /here/..."
For some obscure reason, the knight felt hurt. "You... want me to take you with me... because you are afraid that if something happens to me... You won't get to read some books...?"
"You don't seem to care for my other reasons... so /yes/." The silver-haired youth was unmistakably sulking.
"I don't believe you..." Laro almost felt like laughing at the grumpy response, but was uncertain if it would come out a laugh or a sob. Fighting for control, he did not notice the cat-man new shift in strategy until it was too late.
"/Please/ Laro... I just... I... let me stay with you a while longer..." Kuja easily freed his arms from the slack grip, taking advantage of the dark man's hesitance to creep closer, crawling into his lap. Before he had cuddled close to the large man for comfort, now his movement was subtler, hands sliding around the warm chest to ghost up the soldier's back pulling them together. His next words were a breath in Laro's ear. "Let me come... I promise. I'll make it up to you..."
"Masa... what..."
"Shhhh."
Kuja laid a series of kisses along the unresisting neck, causing the larger man to shiver. "Let me stay with you..." Feeling arms tighten involuntarily around him, the cat-man worked a hand free sending it up to ghost over the still prominent scar running down the side of the soldier's face. The thin white line was too old and ingrained for the cure-spell to remove, a permanent reminder of his past ordeals.
The dark man stared in amazement at the sudden shift in mood. Working his other hand free, the mage caught the large face between his palms, silencing any further questions with a gentle kiss. When the dark man didn't pull away, he kissed him again, a little more confidently, the lips pressing against his beginning to respond. Kuja pulled back a little to assess his handiwork. Even with moonlight and dark skin the soldier looked flushed, his breath coming in surprised pants. The cat-man pressed himself closer experimentally, resisting the urge to smile archly when the arms holding him matched his efforts, wrapping around his lower back possessively. Deliberately meeting the dazed eyes, he pulled the scarred face closer once again, kissing the man seductively. This time the response was immediate, their mouths hungrily locking, tasting. Breaking away only when breathing became imperative, the silvery man watched his unknowing-prey. The man's desire was obvious.
// I knew it... the way he watched me... People always said that my looks were my greatest asset... Do you want me Laro...? How much... how much are you willing to do to get me... //
"Do you think I'm beautiful...?"
Laro was taken aback by the question, lost in the suddenly bright blue eyes. He couldn't believe what was happening, one corner of his mind was still blinking stupidly while the rest was running around in circles crying, 'He kissed me!' His voice when he found it, had a decided wobble in it.
"You're gorgeous... an angel..."
The cat-man smiled coyly, his voice a whisper. "Do you want me...?"
"...Yes..."
"Take me with you..."
The soldier blinked in alarm, both at the way he felt his resolve crumbling, and the sudden draft on his chest as deft fingers loosened the ties on his shirt. He made an attempt to stand firm. "Masa, sto- wahhh!" Interrupted by the shirt being pulled over his head, he shook the hair from his eyes to discover he once more possessed a lap full of eager beauty. Teasing lips went to work against his once more, and despite his intention, he found himself kissing back for all he was worth as hands tangled in his hair. For a moment, it was pure bliss.
"Say yes..."
"This is wrong..."
"Here I am... /throwing/ myself at you... and it's wrong...?"
"Masa..."
"Take me with you, and you can have me whenever you want..."
Lips worked against his again, but the words echoed oddly in his ear, killing the mood more effectively that Laro thought possible. Catching a hold of the youth's arms he carefully but deliberately pushed him away. "Masa, stop this."
Kuja froze at the anger in his voice. "...Laro...?"
"What the Hell do you think you're /doing/...?!"
Blue eyes winced, looking faintly guilty. "... I just..."
// He... he doesn't want me...? //
"I expected you to be /angry/ with me... not try to manipulate my decisions like some sort of painted whore! I... You... /Why/?!"
// ... whore?! You /bastard/! //
"What do you /mean/ '/why/?!' I should think it was obvious!" Rejected, and now angry himself, Kuja shook free of the painful grip and rolled off the mattress.
"Apparently not, since I'm completely clueless!"
"That's because you're an imbecile."
Laro started at the venom in the words, noting the way the slim man's fists were clenched, the tail fluffed to twice its normal size. "... at least I'm honest."
"So am I..."
"Explain then." He had a feeling that the night was a long way from being over.
Kuja stared at him a moment before letting go of his anger, sagging to the floor with a sigh. "...What else could I offer you...? I... I /can't stay here/, Laro... if you go... I'll go mad. I'll be alone, and if I had never met you then I wouldn't have cared... but now... I just /can't/ let you leave me... not like this... not when it'll probably be forever. I'm not afraid of war, Laro, I know what war is. What I don't know is what I'll do without you... And then I thought... well I could be useful to you somehow... in the city... If I could just learn more about things... I may never be a 'warrior'... but I'm not helpless... maybe there's something they missed... maybe I could help... But I can't help /anyone/ if I'm stuck /here/!"
"I..." The dark man grimaced. "I thought you wanted to research how to go home..."
Kuja laughed bitterly. "What for, I hated it there... every waking moment, I hated." He shrugged, "I wanted to go with you for as long as you'd let me... I thought... once we got to the capital I could convince you to take me further... that's what /I/ wanted... and well, /you/ wanted..." He waves a hand to include himself, blushing slightly. "... And I thought, it's a fair trade, isn't it...? We both get something we want..."
"No, Masa... it's not what I want... not like that..." Laro felt ill at what he had almost allowed to happen. "Never like that..."
"But..."
He slid to the floor, kneeling in front of the once again crying youth. "You /are/ beautiful, kitten. And I /do/ want you... but not like that... I /love/ you, you idiot. I thought you knew that... If I ever... we ever... and I never expected you to... but if we ever... I want it to be because you love me too..."
"I don't believe in 'love'... It's just a hormonal imbalance..."
"That'll make it rather difficult for us I expect." Laro couldn't help but tease a little, needing to lighten the mood for his own sake if for no other reason. The cat-man snorted softly.
"If you love me, take me with you."
"Ah, but as I love you, I must keep you safe..."
"Laro, if this war goes on as it has done... no place will be safe for long."
"...I know..." He closed his eyes, knowing what he was about to say would damn him to a life of regret. "...If you come with me... It'll be dangerous... even the capital... if people found out about you..."
"I know."
"When I go to the front you come back /here/... understood...?"
"But..."
"No buts!"
"...so I can come with you...?"
"... yes..."
"Are you sure you wouldn't..." A pale hand caressed his chest suggestively. "I don't mind... really..."
"Stop it."
"You can be as rough as you like... I'm not as fragile as I look..."
"Masa!" Flustered, and more tempted then he cared to admit, Laro pulled away sharply. "No more talk of that now... /listen/ to yourself... no... this isn't you talking... you don't want this..."
"What does what I want have to do with it..."
The soldier blinked in amazement. "What...?"
"I'm /pretty/... people /want/ me... that's the way it /is/... it's just sex Laro... I... I know how to please men... I’ve always known how. They take me to bed, and they take what they want, and ... and then it's done, and they go."
"... 'they take what they want'...? Masa... oh god Masa is that what you think this is...? Is that what you think I am?!"
"I... I don't know... mostly with others, I didn't really care... it was just another means to an end... but with you... it would be different, since I'm asking you to... And you are a far more gentle person than the others..."
"... I wish you had told me..."
"Why?"
"Because! Damn it Masa, /that/ is not /normal/! People don't just /use/ people... It's... it's supposed to be /nice/, you're /supposed/ to enjoy it... not just suffer through it... it's not supposed to hurt."
"You're an idealist."
"Yes, I guess I am. But Masa, from now on, if /anyone/ touches you in a way you don't like... I swear I'll feed them their teeth. And /then/ I'll get creative..." He pulled the cat-man gently into his arms again; body pointedly reminding him that it had been a long day, and a longer night. "You feel this is the only way you can repay me...? Would you hear a compromise maybe?"
"What's your compromise? Aside from me coming home after you go to the front."
"I won't... I won't sleep with you... but, from now on, you /are/ mine... that means you have to do as I say... at least in public... you stick with me. You stay where I can keep an eye on you; and if you so much as /try/ to seduce someone else, so help me..."
"What, not jealous...?"
"Completely."
"How adorable."
"Stop that."
"I'm sorry..." Kuja tilted his head to study the man thoughtfully. "So... now that you have me... now what...?"
"You agree to terms...?"
"I get to go with you, and get to see the libraries, and see the Court... then yes, I'll behave."
"In that case, I'm exhausted, and would like to go sleep..." Laro pulled the mage to his feet, intending to tuck him in before leaving. The bed looked horribly tempting, and seeming to read his mind, the smaller man had caught his hands, walking backwards towards the soft mattress. "Masa..." He growled warningly.
"Just to sleep... that's all... you're tired. And you /did/ want me to stick close to you..."
"So I did." His better judgment having already sought its bed, he shrugged and allowed himself to be crowded against the wall. For a tense moment he held still, the night of his fever still fresh in his memory. But as the lithe form pulled the blankets over them both and settled into the hollow at his side, he wrapped his arms around the body, content to simply fall asleep. Laro was so tired that he wasn't even bothered by the feathers tickling his chin.
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Notes: I blame Kuja... he ran off laughing with this chapter, and refused to give it back. A rather lame chapter if I do say so myself, someday I'll fix it... maybe.
--Lunar