“I’ll do it, of course.” Zack tried for a bold smile and strangely ended up with a tentative grin. He wasn’t sure which was more unbelievable, the fact that he had actually said the words aloud, or that he genuinely meant them.
Sephiroth’s mouth bent in a bitter shape as he looked away, towards the nightscape that was Midgar through the diamond-shaped links in the fence. “Charity.” His one word reply was infused with a lifetimes worth of self-disgust.
On reflection, Zack realized that half the reason he was able to come off so calm about the whole insane idea was that of the two of them, he had a hell of a lot less to lose. Reaching out, he playfully tugged at a strand of white hair that was floating on the breeze. “Think you’re too good for a little charity?”
The question earned him a snort, his friend’s eyes firmly fixed on the city below, entire posture radiating discomfort. “Yes?”
It was interesting, to watch the reflection of the distant blue and white halogen street lamps in Sephiroth’s already illuminated eyes. He looked more ghostlike than usual, brilliant white and sharp edged, but also strangely unreal, as if he just didn’t quite belong there, leaning against the safety fence. He didn’t really belong anywhere. Zack sighed, knowing that _that_ was precisely the problem. A man with no place to call his own never had the option to let his guard down, unwind, take stock. When even sex was reduced to a suspicion laden game of cat and mouse, what could a man turn to in order to relieve some of the stress eating a hole through his life? Sephiroth’s answer had clearly been ‘ignore it’ to date, but it was hardly fair, not when the man had somehow managed to overcome his normal wariness enough to actually propose a perfectly viable solution.
Provided both parties were willing, of course.
“It’s not like you’re twisting my arm or anything.” Zack slouched against the fence next to his friend. “Really. You’ve called me a slut how many times? Why be surprised that I’d say yes?”
“There’s propriety for one.” Even half-lidded, Sephiroth’s eyes were filled with ironic amusement. “Commander, subordinate. Remember?”
“Like that’s ever stopped me from bossing you around before.” He grinned.
“There’s the whole preferences thing.”
“You’d be amazed how vague I am on that, actually.”
“Name a single man you’ve _ever_ slept with, Zack. One.”
“Ok, so there isn’t one, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t considered it.” He crossed his arms and offered his best ‘I’m dead positive’ glare.
“Then there’s the secrecy.”
“I don’t talk about you, to anyone. This won’t change anything on that front.”
“I don’t want to disrupt your usual schedule.” Sephiroth grimaced, aware that his arguments were getting weak.
“You won’t.” Zack played along, “If your past track record is any measure, I’ll be able to pencil you in a few months in advance and work around you.”
“Very funny.”
“You planning to jump me in hallways?” Zack offered an incredulous look. “That would certainly be a new side to your personality.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Look, why can’t you just accept the fact that you asked for the moon, and are surprised to find I said yes? Yes. There see? I said it again. So what’s the problem?”
“I’m older than you too…”
“Seph!”
The man banged his head back against the chain link in an uncharacteristic moment of frustration. “Fine. You said yes.” He closed his eyes for a breath before pining Zack with his stare. “Why?”
Thrown off balance by the uncertainty he swore was lurking just beneath the pale man’s surface, Zack blinked and offered, “Why not?”
“Don’t-“ Sephiroth began, and then caught himself mid-scold. “Just- Be serious with me for a moment, Zack. Why? Why in the world would you go along with something like this.”
Looking down at his shoes didn’t help. He fiddled with his gloves and stopped himself, realizing he was stalling like a little kid. It wasn’t that he didn’t know why. For once he had genuinely thought things through, start to finish.
// don’t think ‘finish’, idiot//
He had genuinely considered the issue from bottom to top.
//Let’s not go there either, shall we? // He kicked himself.
The answers had been in a word, surprising.
Zack made a note to avoid all deep self-analysis any time in the near future. He hadn’t liked most of what he had found. Some of it however, some of the ideas buried amidst his every day crap had been worth it. This, he knew, was worth it.
“Because you need me.” He met Sephiroth’s stare with no desire to flinch, pleased at how calm he felt now that it was out in the open. “Because I’m here.”
The pale man’s look clearly spoke of his disbelief.
“Because I need you.” He talked over his friend’s attempt to interrupt.
“I need your needing me to give me some sort of fucking goal to live my life with. Because before I met you I was just a smart assed waste of space with no redeeming values.”
“Because, all things considered, what you’re asking, it isn’t so much.”
“-Isn’t so much?” Sephiroth repeated in doubtfully.
“I’ve killed for you, bastard.” Zack didn’t like how it sounded, but it was definitely true.
“Even when I didn’t want to, I killed, and I’ve risked being killed. I’ve gone to jail for you, Seph, and really in my mind that’s as bad as it can get.” He shook his head at the memory.
“And I did it without you asking me to, because you never would have thought to take advantage like that. And that’s another reason why-” Zack cut himself off before he could get too sappy. Somehow he didn’t think Sephiroth was ready for sappy just now. He was having a hard enough time digesting the straightforward facts.
“Look, we’ve taken care of each other for years, old man. Years! I sometimes think it’s incredible, you know? That you haven’t gotten fed up with covering for my constant fuckups by now, that you still get that sort of shocked look when I invite you over, or pick up your groceries for you. I don’t see how this will be any different in the long run. So if I can help to somehow, even a little, by making myself available to you as more than just a friend, then great. Sign me up, ok? Nobody owes anybody anything.”
“You’re crazy.” Sephiroth whispered.
“This shouldn’t be news to you.”
“True.” The pale man shook his head, bemused. “But still.”
Zack could only shrug in reply. “Try me.” He offered. “Try it and see; if you won’t believe it any other way.”
And like a true specter he found his friend had somehow transitioned to leaning against the fence to standing almost close enough to share his breath. Tentative fingers hovered next to his jaw, finally daring to touch his face. This time Zack fought not to flinch, both certain, and nervous all at once. Reaching up, he hoped Sephiroth wouldn’t be thrown by him taking the liberty, and caught the man by the collar to pull him down within reach. His friend could never say therefore, that their first kiss was not of mutual accord.
Lips were lips, honestly. He hadn’t really expected anything out of the ordinary. The fact that his friend’s mouth was entirely standard would probably have been a source of amusement for the pale man, if Zack had the urge to share. Oddly he didn’t, somehow pleased with the way he could kiss without really noticing gender, simply aware that the mouth above his was larger, stronger than his usual type. Pulling back after a moment, Zack discretely tasted his lips and then playfully shrugged. “Nothing to it. Eh?”
Sephiroth stared down at him with a rather stunned expression. “I suppose not.”
“Believe me yet?”
“No.”
“Should I kiss you again?”
“Only if you must.”
Double-talk from Sephiroth and he was back on familiar ground. He grinned again, knowing he’d never admit to the man that sometimes he acted _exactly_ like some of his other dates in that respect. To be fair he’d have been shocked to hear the implied ‘yes absolutely’ spoken aloud. Still with his grip on his friend’s jacket, he found it was no struggle at all to claim the willing lips again laying claim to the one piece of Sephiroth’s life he had only recently become aware he was jealous of not having a part in.
“Said I’d stick by you, ol’man. They don’t call me your shadow for nothing.”